Two multi-faceted entertainers; darlings to two different ends of a scene. Jenny Lewis and Zooey Deschanel have endeared themselves to millions, and have broken the hearts of just about the same number. Hypothetically speaking- like if I were an artist/entertainer with extraordinary talent and had a chance with either of these women, we can safely say nothing would come of it. Never mind their current relationship statuses- a one-night stand with either would terminate right there.

She may be a little older, but don't let that stop you

So you should be left to make a choice. Sure you could go for both and add two notches in your belt, but that just makes you look like an indiscriminate manwhore. And while prostitution is indeed a noble, even heroic profession, I cannot make an outright endorsement for the sake of actually posting something on this blog.

And of course I couldn’t stay neutral on the issue, either. It’s somewhat a matter of taste of course, but given our hypothetical situation one prize clearly outshines the other. I must plea, passionately, that guys anywhere be convinced Jenny come out on top (ha, double entendre).

To understand why though, you need to understand the alternative. Zooey has pigeonholed herself more or less. She rode a scooter in Yes Man. She moved to California out of boredom in 500 Days of Summer. She was absolutely taken by a man-child in Elf. She agreed to be in The Happening. Lest we forget the two She & Him albums, which when you don’t read too much into the lyrics are generally shiny happy tunes that feel like some Partridge Family recordings (and I mean well by that!!!)


What this means is Zooey is sweet, too sweet. Like you’re going to find yourself drawn in to those Cars and Iggy Pop LPs on her shelf and scrambling to find an organic restaurant close by for brunch. When in fact none of that will matter, because she will just leave you be. She’s off to find another man, one she will be married to within a year seemingly just to spite you. This is why she needs to be left in the dust. I mean, she’s trying to pierce our hearts on a massive scale by being married to Ben Gibbard. What if the next Death Cab album is really upbeat and they get thrown into an identity crisis? She’ll amount to nothing more than Yoko Ono, dressed by the Salvation Army.

With Jenny though, we know exactly what we’re getting into. Just to put up her resume, Jenny grew up a child of divorce in Las Vegas, which led to all kinds of fucked up shit. She dropped acid when she was 14. She starred in The Wizard with Fred Savage. She did a TV show with Lucille Ball- in the 80s. So it only takes a listen of Portions for Foxes or Dejalo to infer she’d probably pull your hair out, leave bite marks all up and down your torso, may/may not trot out handcuffs…. In short, the experience would be painful, and you would wake up the next morning and she’d be gone. Not even an attempt at communication. And that’s okay, because nothing’s lost and in another eight hours or so some other guy will join you in the same boat.

This effectively summarizes the clear choice, would any of us ever be lucky enough to have the chance. Just remember which one will deliberately be driving a stake into your emotions. I should start promoting back to school-related shit, but for now this will lazily have to function as a conclusion. We’ll work on that, though. Thank god there aren’t really 500 days of summer to let any writing talent turn to garbage.


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